


Reason

by starrika



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Bella Grows A Backbone, Complete, Drama, F/M, Gen, Strong Female Characters Rock, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-09
Updated: 2012-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 08:17:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/428867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrika/pseuds/starrika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"To say the truth, reason and love keep little company together." - A Midsummer Night's Dream</i>
</p><p>Bella chooses reason over love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reason

_”Who?” I asked, though, of course, I already knew the answer._

_Of course I did. Of course._

_The trees were slowing around us as we came to our destination._

_It took him a long moment to answer me._

_“Jacob,” he said._

_I was able to nod once._

_“Of course,” I whispered._

_And then I slipped off the edge I was clinging to inside my head._

_Everything went black._

~*~

When my mind wasn’t preoccupied with Jacob, I was haunted by Bree.

“Will I be like that?” I asked Alice. She had kept me here at the Cullens’ home, filling bags with shopping evidence to distract Charlie. All I wanted was to go down to La Push – I needed to _see_ him. I needed to feel him and know that he was truly fine. My mind had wandered. Alice was looking at me, eyebrow raised. “Like that girl Bree in the meadow?” I clarified.

“Everyone is different. But something like that, yes.”

I could barely imagine it. I – I would be like that. Inhuman, and not simply inhumanly beautiful. She was rabid, like an animal, and I wondered at the frenzied bloodlust. Had – had _Edward_ felt like that, around me? It was different, at the birthday party, when they’d held Jasper back. That had happened so fast it hadn’t seemed real. I had been talking to Jasper, right before I’d cut myself. He had been calm, collected even. Bree’s agony was too vivid to repress away.

“It passes,” Alice promised. My thoughts must have been evident by the look on my face.

“How soon?”

She shrugged. “A few years, maybe less. It might be different for you. I’ve never seen anyone go through this who’s chosen it beforehand. It should be interesting to see how that affects you.”

“Interesting,” I repeated.

“We’ll keep you out of trouble.”

“I know that. I trust you.” My voice was monotone, dead. I could trust them, but for those years, I couldn’t trust myself. How would I chafe against them, when I hadn’t even tolerated Alice’s slumber party? I would _never_ be alone.

“Oh, don’t baby her, Alice.” Rosalie’s voice cut off my musings. She had seated herself on a chair in Alice’s room, just outside the bathroom. I turned to look at her, warily curious. Alice glared.

“What?” I questioned.

“She can tell you exactly how long it will take to pass. And exactly how many you’ll harm in the interim. How do you think the wager between Jasper and Emmett started?” Rosalie replied. She arched an eyebrow at me, voice cool.

It was like a slap in the face. I turned to Alice. “Alice…have you?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear the answer. She was shifting from foot to foot, looking for all the world like she had something to hide. Clearly, the answer wasn’t good. “Alice,” I prompted and was shocked at the sharpness in my voice.

“Yes. Why don’t you tell Bella what happens to Renee and Charlie, after she turns, as well?”

Alice hissed. “Rosalie.”

The color had drained from my face and I felt as if I were going to black out again. I wouldn’t hurt them. I _couldn’t_ \- Alice had promised they would keep me out of trouble. “My…parents?” I choked out. I felt like I was drowning. It was too much.

Alice had her jaw set, looking as if she wanted nothing more than to rip into Rosalie as Edward had ripped into Victoria, hours before. The thought made my stomach lurch. Alice’s voice was harsh. “Rosalie. _Stop_.

“Oh? Should I not tell Bella about the decade of bloodlust, because she chose this willingly? Not tell her the look on Edward’s face when you saw her as little more than an animal for ten years? How he swore he’d do everything he could to delay changing her? I don’t even _know_ what else you’ve seen – you’ve kept surprisingly quiet about it, Alice,” Rosalie said, her face calm. I could feel myself breaking into little pieces as she spoke. “Or are you so infatuated with the idea of playing dress up with Bella that you won’t tell her the truth?”

Alice sagged against the counter. “It might change,” she muttered defensively. “The future isn’t set in stone.”

“Ah, but this decision, now made, cements those. I’ve been around you long enough to understand that,” Rosalie replied. Her voice was so even, so cool as she spoke. Her eyes, however, gleamed triumphantly. 

“How many, Alice?” I whispered, frozen to the spot.

Her pause seemed to stretch into minutes. “Seventeen. We turn one and save two,” she replied, voice bitter. She threw another look at Rosalie and stalked out of the room, presumably to go downstairs. If she was telling Edward, I didn’t care. I _couldn’t_ think of anything else right now. I just couldn’t. Seventeen people. It was a low number, for such a long period of bloodlust. Still, I shivered, teeth chattering. Idly, I wondered if I was going into shock.

Rosalie was still looking at me. I wondered if she had the same victorious expression when she donned a wedding dress to kill Royce. “I don’t want to have babies,” I whispered nonsensically. I didn’t want _any_ of that. I had thought – I had thought, what I would gain, would outweigh the little I would lose. I was an idiot.

Rosalie threw back her head and laughed. “Is that all you took from our talk? Bella, I had hoped you were a bit smarter than that,” she responded. It wasn’t kind or unkind. Her voice was matter-of-fact and still cool, as if she were reciting the weather forecast. Perhaps, to her, I was as insignificant as the weather.

“I thought this would be easier,” I whispered harshly. I hadn’t noticed tears were running down my face until Rosalie pressed a tissue into my hands.

“You thought giving up your entire human experience would be easy,” Rosalie repeated. She sounded as if she were talking to a small child. I nodded dumbly. It _had_ seemed easy. Now, it all seemed so hard and complicated. Could I doom seventeen people to death – for Edward? “Bella, do be reasonable. I realize that reason and love rarely go together, but perhaps you should make an attempt,” she chided, handing me another tissue. I had mascara – Alice’s carefully applied makeup – running down my face.

Not so _chic_ now.

“Maybe just reason,” I choked out. I loved Edward. I _loved_ Edward. I felt like I couldn’t survive without him. I needed him near me to feel.

Rosalie just looked at me.

“Maybe…Maybe I need to be alone for a while,” I forced out. I no longer wished to be struck by lightning, to be forced in two. I had thought, when Jacob was hurt, that maybe I couldn’t go through with this. _Now_ , for the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose. If I hurt or killed seventeen people, I lost _Bella_. I would be losing something that I never wanted to give up.

I kept nebulous thoughts of Charlie and Renee out of my mind. I needed to think of myself – and not the selfish part of me who feared getting older. I _couldn’t_ think of Edward, or even Jacob. If I thought about the Volturi, I knew I would vomit.

“I don’t know if I can do this. Any of this,” I said, choking on my words. 

Rosalie nodded, a satisfied expression on her face. “Live a little,” she said encouragingly. “Find yourself. Know yourself. Make this decision _for you_ and with all the facts. Be reasonable. This isn’t just for love, this is for eternity,” she told me, pressing a shopping bag into my hand.

I nodded dumbly, latching on to her words of advice. I felt like I couldn’t even think for myself. What did I want? What did I _truly_ want? In this moment, I didn’t know. I couldn’t think for myself, so I let Rosalie do it for me. If only she could tell me how to live. I had forgotten how to just be _Bella_.

She guided me down to her car, passing Alice in the garage. Alice was getting into her yellow Porsche. “I’m going to Italy,” she told me mournfully, eyes sad. “I’ll miss you, Bella.”

Her car door slammed and I winced at its finality. The future had changed. _My_ future had changed.

~*~

As I drove down to La Push, I fought the queasy feeling in my stomach. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward’s hand. I missed him terribly. The future without him loomed, and I was terrified I would lose my mind. But I couldn’t, absolutely could not, pick a future with him. Not now. Not until things had changed. _Not until seventeen people’s lives would not be ruined_. His, Jacob’s, and mine were enough.

I already knew I couldn’t live without Edward. I had a sinking feeling that it would be just as hard to live without Jacob. It was an idea I still did not want to admit to myself.

It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time. Guilt weighed me down. I felt like Jane Eyre, forced to take flight after discovering Rochester’s betrayal.

Yet here I was, the one doing all the betraying.

He smiled mockingly. “Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that,” he told me.

“How are you feeling?” I mumbled. What a stupid question.

“A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn’t sure how much pain medication I need, so he’s going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.”

“But you’re not in pain,” I pressed. I was in enough for the both of us.

“No. At least, I can’t feel my injuries,” he said, smiling mockingly again.

I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn’t anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to die? At this moment, I felt as if my death – a real and true death, could be the only fix to this situation. I trembled at the thought. Would my death truly change anything, or make it worse? I studied Jacob’s covered form, thankful for the quilt blocking my view. _Live_ , Rosalie had told me.

Why was living so much harder?

Jacob frowned. “How about you?” he asked, sounding really concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Me?” I stared at him. “ _Why_?”

He started babbling about the kiss, up on the mountain, and I felt as if that had happened years ago. I was overloaded with emotions. Part of me screamed for Edward, while another, smaller yet still vocal part of my heart wanted nothing more than to go to Jacob.

There was no part left for me.

“You’re not crying?” he demanded. He twitched impatiently on the bed. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“What? No,” I responded, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs. “I think I hurt myself.” He shifted like he was trying to get off the bed. “What are you doing, you idiot,” I choked out, pushing his shoulder back onto the mattress.

He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me down onto the bed with him, curled against his side. This time, I didn’t try to stifle my sobs. I just – let go, selfishly letting him comfort me before I could tell him it was all over.

“Don’t worry, Bella, honey. It’s all going to work out.”

“I don’t see how,” I murmured against his hot skin, shuddering as another dry sob ripped through me. I couldn’t _stop_. I took another deep breath, trying to find the strength to continue.

“We’ll figure something out. You’ll see,” he told me, and I knew I had to tell him.

“No, no we won’t,” I replied. There was no more moisture coming from eyes, but I couldn’t stop the sobs from escaping my chest. I felt as if I were being ripped apart.

I deserved it.

I pulled away from him with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. “I’m – I’m going to be reasonable,” I forced out. “And reasonable means no more you. No more Edward. No more vampires or werewolves or anything to make me choose.” I swiped at the wetness on my cheeks. I knew I looked horrid – a mess, but Jacob was looking at me with almost reverence in his eyes.

“Rosalie says I need to live. And Alice says I’ll hurt seventeen people if – if I turn,” I told him, voice cracking on the number. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Jacob’s grip on my hand tightened, tugging me back towards the bed. “Bells,” he breathed. He said my name reverently like a prayer.

I laid my cheek against his own warm flesh. “You know I love you,” I whispered.

“I know,” he replied softly, his hand gripping mine tighter. “I’ll always be waiting in the wings, Bella,” he promised. His tone lacked the lightness I would have expected from such a statement.

“Don’t,” I told him seriously, pulling myself out of his grip. I was already starting to tremble inside. Rosalie had told me to live. How do you live when you feel empty inside? “I’m going to be reasonable. Love and reason don’t go together,” I told him, voice cracking.

I walked out of his room wondering if I would ever find a time where I had lived enough to love reasonably.


End file.
